1.11.11

Today has been a rather somber day, as it is the one-year anniversary of my Grandma's passing. I'm never spiritual or religious on this blog, but today, I'm going to be. Just a bit. To each their own, if you don't see eye to eye with my views, I certainly don't care. But please do not share your disagreement with my thoughts as this is a parade I've built in my head of her passing. Do not rain on it.

I will probably never forget the feeling when my dad called before work on that Tuesday morning when she had passed. I cried the heaviest of cries, regretting that I did not go visit her the week prior. Her future was uncertain, but it was looking up the few days before she died. I was grateful for her positivity, but also grateful I wouldn't have to get on a plane in the foreseeable future. I have developed this dreadful fear of flying, and she was living in Austin, Texas. I still regret not going to visit her in those last days, but was lucky to have seen her in November for Thanksgiving. Around the time of her death, I was reading a nightly prayer book and the message on January 12, the day after her passing, could not have left me feeling more reassured. Uneasy about her death, as well as my impending flight, I am so grateful for this message.

(This is a little lengthy, so bear with me.)

The Slavery of Our Fears

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

 "Through death he might...free those who through fear of death had been subject to slavery all their life." Hebrews 2:14-15

"I know a woman who has refused to fly since 9/11 in spite of the fact that her children and grandchildren live on the other side of the continent. This seems to me a slavery to fear, particularly given that there are upwards of 30,000 flights in the U.S. each day and crashes are extremely rare. One is in much more danger driving to the airport than flying in an airplane.

It's easy for me to see her fear as silly - until I am alone with the dark at 3 a.m. and fear creeps into my bedroom like a thug to hold me hostage.

It is a struggle to break away from my fears at night or even during the day when I am sick or stressed or grieving. At those times, when all of life looks bleak and frightening, it is a slavery, and the only thing I have found that can loosen its bonds is prayer." - Aileen O'Donoghue

I have carried that, as well as a few cards she had sent me in the past, in my day planner. The last "card" I received from her was a red envelope. On the front it said "Allison - Very Much Love - Allison & Merry Christmas!" Inside were four photographs of myself. (She was getting a little eccentric at that time!) One is an extremely flattering close up of my young self with chicken pox. If you're lucky, maybe I'll share it one day ;)

It obviously meant something to her.